before I had kids. This is the title of a book I came across one day in Barnes and Noble. I only perused the book, I didn't buy it; I didn't have to. The title said it all, and it was all true. This is not to say I don't think of myself as a good mom, I mean I have my moments. But the age of two, while not terrible, is unexpected. Sometimes unexpected in the way that a surprise delivery of flowers from your husband can be, wonderfully unexpected. And sometimes unexpected in the way a car accident can be when some jackass decides they suddenly need to be in your lane, painfully unexpected.
I've been spoiled. Zoe, until recently, has been a fairly reasonable and well-behaved child. I thought it was because I was so good at this. I was wrong. She is Paul Newman in The Hustler, luring me in so when she finally decided to become a maniac, I would be totally off my game. Enjoy what I have been surprised by.
1. Bad decision making skills. OK, you asked for strawberries. Strawberries are good and you've eaten them many times. They are not cookies, so when you request them I am happy to oblige. Why, in the name of all that's holy, do you flip out when I actually bring them to you after you ask for them. This is the question I ask myself often. I think she has set up a hidden camera somewhere and brings the video into daycare to have a good laugh with her friends. "Watch here when I beg my mom for juice only to throw the sippy and fall down into a fierce tantrum when she brings it to me! Hahaha! Good stuff, pass the popcorn!"
2. It takes me an hour to do what should take 10 minutes (see number 1 and 4).
3. Repeating. Zoe has yet to say I love you to either myself or Mike (unless you count the Barney song. I really don't) despite the many times we've said it to her. But just one time call her a psycho and now everyone is psycho. There are many times in a day I have to answer the following questions: "Is Zoe psycho?" No baby, Zoe is not psycho. "Is mommy psycho?" She is getting there. "Is daddy psycho?" He must be for ever using this word around you. "Is Sadie psycho?" Yeah, baby, Sadie is psycho.
4. Zoe do it. Aside from how odd it is that she talks about herself in the third person this phrase can be cute or maddening. Saturday morning when she wants to put on her shoes, cute. Monday morning when she wants to make her own breakfast and drive herself to daycare, maddening. I have a sneaking suspicion this phase will end right around the time she actually has the capability to help out around here.
5. Snot and dirt. I was great a keeping snot at bay and keeping my kid in spotless matching outfits. . . before I had her. Prior to actually having a child, I would recoil from an oncoming kid with a continuously runny nose. I would roll my eyes at children in dirty, mismatched outfits. I don't do this anymore.
6. Hysterical, "where does she come up with this" stuff. And then there's the good. Like the other day when she wanted her poopy diaper (yeah, I say this more often than I ever thought possible) changed in a particularly awkward position. When I voiced my concern to her I got this response, "mommy, let's just try it."
Yes, my little psycho, we'll just keeping on trying.
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